Elderly lady: I want to vote for the Democrats, where's the lever for the Democrats?
Me: I'm sorry M'am, there's no party line vote button in Delaware, you'll have to select each candidate separately.
Elderly lady, opening curtains and peering around: No, I don't want to do that, I just want to vote a straight Democratic ticket.
Me: Ma'am, the candidates are listed in columns by party, you can press each button below the party of your choice.
Elderly lady, grabbing my arm: No, you come in here and do that for me. I just want to vote for the Democrats.
Me: Ma'am, I am an election official, I'm not permitted to enter the booth with you!
Elderly lady, holding curtain wide open: Just reach in here and push the Democrat button for me.
Me: Inspector! Inspector!
Elderly lady: I just want to vote for the Democrats.
Comely young lady, who has entered the polling place with her rather formidable mother, enters the booth.
Me: SPYRIDOULA HRSOULIATIANIS is now voting!
<beep>
Me: MS. HRSOULIATIANIS has voted! Thanks for coming out today!
Enraged, rapidly advancing, elderly lady brandishing cane: That's MISS Hrsouliatianis! How dare you!
Daughter, rolling eyes comically: C'mon, mom, let's go.
Me: Good morning, sir. You will need to press the X next to the candid-
Tall, gaunt old man: I know what to do! Get out of my way!
Me: Yes sir. I'll just set the machine for you. MELVIN HARRIS is now voting!
Old man (presumably) presses various candidates' buttons, and then, instead of pressing the gigantic green VOTE button with the large arrows pointing to it, presses the small button at the center top of the machine that is only used during the write-in process. When nothing happens, he starts pushing it repeatedly as hard as he can, causing the machine to rock back and forth.
Me: Sir! Sir! That is not the vote button!
Old man, now loudly pounding the machine with his fist: Shut up!
Me: Sir!! Are you trying to cast a write-in vote?
Old man, banging away furiously: This machine doesn't work!
Me: Sir!
Inspector: Republican! I need a Republican over here! I need a Republican election official NOW!
I run to the see what the commotion is.
An elderly lady with a grip like a steel bench vise is attempting to physically drag the Inspector (a Registered Democrat) into the next booth with her.
Inspector: Ma'am, by state law election officials may not see your votes without representation from both parties! Please!
Me: I'm a Republican!
Inspector, obviously surprised: You are?
Me: Uh, yeah.
Elderly lady: This machine does not work, I need you to help me with the machine.
Inspector: Ma'am, you've selected the write-in vote option in this race. Do you wish to make a write-in vote?
Me: I have a pen.
Lady: What? What? I need to write now? What are you talking about?
Inspector: Ma'am, did you hit the write-in button by accident?
(Note: One would have to be randomly, wildly flailing about in the booth for this to happen)
Lady: I don't know from this write-in button you are always talking about!
Me: Um, -
Inspector (to me): Perhaps it would better if only one of us spoke at a time.
Me: You're up!
Inspector: Ma'am, if you do not wish to make a write-in vote you will need to press that button that's flashing again.
Lady: What button? What are you talking about?
Me: PADRAIG CIBRIANAITI-MORELLO is now voting!
Olive-skinned young man, no accent, covered in grease: My god, you pronounced my name right!
Me: I did?
Young Man: Hell, yeah, that's never happened before in my entire life! Put 'er there buddy!
Me: Uh, sure. Thanks for coming out to vote today.
My hand is now generously anointed with what appears to be 90-120 weight diff lube.
Old lady in booth: Oh, I can't see anything in here!
Me: Excuse me?
Old lady in booth: I don't have my glasses! Does anybody have any glasses?
Random old lady in line: I have mine here!
Me: Uhm, er-
Old lady in booth sticks her hand through the curtains; old lady in line hands her a pair of glasses.
Old lady in booth: Oh, thank you, that's much better!
Old lady in line: You're welcome!
Wild-haired, confused-looking woman entering polling place: Where are the Democrats?
Me: Everyone can vote here, Ma'am, there isn't any separate polling place for the Democratic party.
Pat (ID-check clerk): Are you registered to vote Ma'am?
Woman, looking even more confused, flees into the night and is seen no more.
Me: CYNTHIA GREEN is now voting!
Me: You'll need to press the X next to the name of the candidate of your choice. There are eleven races today; once you've chosen everyone you wish to vote for here, you will press the big green button right here. Step on into the booth and I'll start the machine for you.
Elderly lady: I want to vote for Joe Biden.
Me: Ma'am, I am not supposed to know who you are voting for. The candidates on this line are in the presidential race and this line is for the senate race.
Elderly lady: I want to vote for Joe Biden.
Me: Ma'am, if you'll just enter the booth, you can vote for whoever you wish. You are not required to vote for every office; just press the X next to the name of the person or persons you wish to vote for and press the big green vote button on the lower right when you are done.
Elderly lady: But I want to vote for Joe Biden. How can I vote for Joe Biden for Senator?
Me: Ma'am, Senator Biden is running for the US Senate and he is also running for Vice President as Senator Barack Obama's running mate. His name is listed in the top row, which is the Presidential Race, and also in the third row, which is the Senate race. You may vote for whoever you choose in either or both races although Senator Biden will not be allowed to serve as a Senator if he is elected to the Vice Presidency.
Elderly lady: How do I vote for Joe Biden for Senator?
Me: Ma'am, if you look in the third row you will see all the candidates for US Senator including Mr. Biden. Do you see what I'm talking about?
Elderly lady: But he has his name up here at the top.
Me: Yes Ma'am, Senator Biden is listed in the presidential race as Senator Obama's running mate. If Senator Obama is elected to the Presidency Senator Biden will serve as his Vice President. Senator Biden is also running for re-election to the Senate, but he will not be able to serve as a senator if he is elected Vice President.
Elderly lady: I want to vote for Joe Biden for Senator.
Me: Ma'am, if you look in the third row you will see all the candidates for US Senator including Mr. Biden. Do you see what I'm talking about? OK. If you press the X next to the name of the candidate you wish to vote for, a light will come on under that name. If you see the light come on under the name of the person you want to vote for, you will be voting for that person. Once you can see lights under all the names of all the people you want to vote for, you can press the big green vote button on the lower right and you will be all done. You don't have to vote in every race if you don't want to.
Elderly lady: I want to vote for Joe Biden.
Me: Ma'am, if you see the light come on under Senator Biden's name you will be voting for Senator Biden when you press the big green button.
Elderly lady: He's good to his mother.
Me: You'll need to press the X next to the name of the candidate of your choice. There are eleven races today; once you've chosen everyone you wish to vote for here, you will press the bi-
Tiny old lady with a voice like a 1956 gravel crusher: How do I bet the trifecta?
Originally written 2008-11-05 17:23 and emailed to a few friends
Turn off your computer and go outside.